Worrying. We all do it, all us mums. It's a major part of being a mum. Those of us with children with autism or other special needs, well, we live on a constant merry-go round of worry, don't we? We worry about the future and what it might hold for our children, we worry about if they are ok at nursery or school, we worry about whether they will ever stop hitting and lashing out, we worry about whether our planned trip to Tesco will result in a meltdown (and that's just from us, never mind the kiddos!! ) We just worry about them, constantly. NT children bring their own set of worries too, obviously. Entirely different ones for the most part, but worries all the same.
I have 2 children, Caidan is my almost 4 year old, handsome, amazing son who happens to have autism. Kirsty is my beautiful, intelligent and funny 17 year old daughter who is NT. Funny thing is, it's the latter who is causing me most of my worry at the moment. Not for any bad reasons, she is an amazing girl and I am so proud of her. But there are good reasons for my worrying about her right now.
First off, yesterday, Kirsty passed her driving test. For those of you who have been there with your children, you will understand my worry!! Knowing she is out there driving and I can't protect her from the idiots on the road that should never have gotten a licence in the first place is really hard to take!! I am not worried about her driving, my husband assures me she is a very good and careful yet confident driver. But I can't control the others on the road, can I, so I have all these daft scenarios in my head involving police showing up at the door......I know these will fade in time but I can't help the worry at the moment!!
Then on Tuesday, she goes abroad to Magaluf for 2 weeks! All her school year are going (well, they have all officially left school now, which is what they are celebrating) and it will be a great experience for her. She has worked so hard this year, she deserves the break. But I am going to be a quivering wreck, drooling in the corner by the time she gets home!!
Then there is the worry of whether she will get the last exam pass she needs to get into her chosen University course. What if she doesn't? Is she going to be devastated? Will she just shrug her shoulders and find another course?? I don't know.
What I do know is that all these things are totally outwith my control, hence the worry!! It's a mum's instinct to protect her children and in circumstances where you just can't, well, I don't know about you, but it fills me with dread!! It's not about controlling her, I don't want or need to do that, but I have no control over protecting her. It makes me feel like I am failing her as a mum, which is really stupid, I know that, but it does!!
I doubt the worrying is going to stop anytime soon, if it ever will!! As I said to her, it doesn't matter how old she gets, she will ALWAYS be my baby girl and I will ALWAYS worry about her.
I am a mum, it's in my job description.
Yet despite all the worry involved, being a mum is the best thing I ever did, by a country mile. I am so proud of both my children. I am a very lucky lady. If not a huge, big worry wort!